Numb
by Bird of Fire
Summary: Taichi has a secret... Rated R for angst and fluff. TAITO/YAMACHI and Shounen AI Content. After long wait it is finally ****FINISHED**** Thank YOU to everyone who read and reviewed! I'm honoured!
1. Betrayal

****Note:  **To to the people at FFNet, I finally fixed the formatting problem and this should be much much easier to read.  ^_^  The only thing I can't figure out is how to get the darn things centered.  Thank you to Neo-chan for pointing it out to me, I hadn't known it uploaded like that.

I didn't really notice either since I posted this fic and all it's chapters at Fandomination.net and mediaminer.org and the formatting was fine there.  So sorry!******

Hello everyone and welcome to my first publicized fic! This is a TAITO fic and it contains a lot of angst. A certain Linkin Park song played on repeat will do that to anyone! If you haven't already guessed, this is a song fic (or partial one anyway) done around the Linkin Park song "Numb". I just thought it fit. 

It's rated "R" for a reason people! Mostly all the angst and...err...other stuff. Of which I don't want to say because it'll give away the ending. There's also a lot of Sap/Fluff/Lime, whatever you want to call it, but no lemons! I don't think I'm ready to write a lemon since this would be the first Yaoi fic I've written. 

Summary: Taichi has a secret... 

**DISCLAIMER** I do not own Digimon the series or the characters. But since I am God in this fic, I'm borrowing them and their fate rests in my hands. The fic is mine. This is nonprofit, I am not making any money off of this. And similarities to actual events, people, or other fics is all purely coincidental and was not done intentionally. If you would like to copy this fic and use it (only for non-profit purposes) please contact me. DO NOT STEAL. 

Key:

*** indicates a scene from the past or a remembrance. Pretty much the whole fic takes place in one day with remembrances from a few days ago.

********** indicates time passing. I'll say how long in the fic.

//italics\\ indicates a past conversation. This rule gets thrown out in Chapter 2 though.

'italics' indicates thought from either Taichi and Yamato.

Italics and centered will be the song lyrics. 

It's pretty easy to follow, but the Point of views jump. You'll know when they do though.  Btw: sorry about the formatting problem!  I fixed it.  ^_^ 

Ok enough long intros and now onto the story!

**Numb**

**by: Bird of Fire**

**Chapter One: Betrayal**

// _"Jyou, I need your help with something serious buddy...Please?" Jyou sighed, seeing the obvious distress in his digi-destined friend's eyes. _

_"Anything Taichi, what's wrong?" _

_"You have to promise me you won't tell anyone. Not our friends, not the doctors or teachers, not Hikari, and not Yamato. Especially not Yamato until I'm ready, ok?" Jyou started to worry. _

_"If it's that important to you then you have my word." _

_"Thank you Jyou. I need you to do a blood test for me..."_ \\ 

                                                                                 *** 

Taichi was laying on his bed staring up at the ceiling as he thought about today's events. It was dusk, the sun setting trying to ease some of the brown-eyed boy's pain and not succeeding. _'Who knew that my life, the one I've lived for 18 years, could be destroyed in a period of five days?_ ' Blinking, Taichi stared at his worn reflection in the mirror positioned above his door. In this position, Taichi's entire bed was captured in the mirror's reflection. Yamato had talked him into putting it up. // _"You can finally see that monster hair of yours (and I swear it's flesh-eating) that I have to put up with in its truest form as soon as you wake in the morning! Or, at least, it could serve as a nice visual on one of my 'visits'..."_ \\ Yamato had said, laughing as Taichi punched him the arm. 

"Yamato..." 

Taichi closed his eyes, fighting the fresh tears that threatened to spill onto his already tear-stained cheeks. '_No, not again, I may not be able to stop this time..._' He thought, tears slipping out from under his eyelids as he turned his head and sobbed into his pillow. 

                                                                                 ***

At home, an obviously troubled Yamato walked over to the couch and heavily sat down, all of today's burdens replaying in his head offering no relief soon. 

"Oh Taichi, why didn't you tell me sooner? Did you know all along? Why and how could you endanger my life like that also? I'm young, a musical genius! I don't deserve this!" Yamato angrily punched the pillow. 

_'And Taichi deserves this? You saw his worry, his sorrow, he didn't do it on purpose!_ ' His mind patronized him. 

"Yeah, well, he still should have told me sooner." 

_'So you could what? Run out on the love of your life sooner? You claim to love this boy but in his one moment of need you abandon him. How do you think he feels?  He doesn't even know for sure yet and you still ran out on him._ ' his mind spat at him angrily. 

"Shut up." Yamato told his own mind lamely, knowing in his heart that it was true. But Yamato's own hurt had turned him away, turned him into a coward. He didn't deserve Tai. Silent tears ran down his cheeks at the thought of his Koi. '_My beloved Taichi, I never did get to tell you how deeply I feel for you. Those three little words that betray my heart and store all of my emotions for you in one breath. I may never get the chance to say them now, never catch the happy glint of tears in your eyes, the soft stolen kisses that take my breath away. I may never see the love in your deep brown eyes, feel the light touch of your soft, unruly hair against my cheek as you sigh contently into my chest, My Koi. My Taichi. How could I have betrayed your trust...your love? How could I have abandoned you just when you needed me the most? Why did it have to end like this? _'

Lost so deep in his thoughts, Yamato didn't even hear the slam of his door or notice the young blonde boy standing at the foyer. 

"Hey Oniichan! You're home early! I thought you were spending the...night...at..." TK trailed off, noticing the distressed look in his brother's clear blue eyes. "Hey, what's wrong Yamato?!" TK rushed over and sat on the couch next to his oniichan. 

"Ok Takeru, I've done something awful. I don't think Taichi will ever forgive me..." Yamato turned and cried on TK's shoulder. TK did his best to help his brother, offering what little comfort he could give. When Yamato's sobs subsided, he recalled to TK the events that shattered both his and Taichi's lives that very day... 

                                                                                 *** 

                                                                        To be continued...

That was evil. I know, I know, how could I end it there?? I didn't do it on purpose, it just felt like this chapter's ending and the new chapter's beginning! Being possessed at 3:00 am and writing and thinking about plot until 5:00 am does that to ya! 

So what could have broken them apart like this? How do you think Yamato betrayed Taichi's trust? Why did Taichi ask Jyou to do a blood test for him and why did he want to keep it a secret? Something to chew on until I finish the next chapter. ^_^ 

Anyway, since this is my first publicly posted fic, I'd be honoured if you could leave me some feedback on it. I'm not going to beg, but it would be nice if you could just drop me a few quick words of encouragement, praise, suggestions, thoughts, etc on my review page. It helps me going to write these things. To be honest I'm scared of what you guys might think! Pathetic huh? lol ^_^; Well keep checking back at my updates journal, look for the link in my profile, for info on how the next chapter is going! Kthnxbye!

Btw:  If anyone can tell me how to get the stuff centered I'd greatly appreciate it.  I'm using Microsoft word and saving it at an htm document.  So everything is ok except the things I have centered and the html tags don't work for it.  THANKS!  Right now I'm just spacing everything.


	2. Revelations

**DISCALIMER**  {grumbles at fanfiction for making me put these on every chapter.}  I don't own Digimon or it's characters, I just run their lives in this fic.  Ok, more likely they've been running mine lately in this fic!  This chapter is much longer than I anticipated!  *sigh*  And it's going off in a whole other twisted direction.  But I love 'em.  ^_^

A/N:  Last chapter was basically the aftermath of most of this chapter.  So keep in mind when you read this chapter that this happened before the first one.  It's basically Yamato recalling to TK what happened (with more detail and Tai's POV thrown in) along with Tai's reactions back in his bedroom.  I'm just not putting everything in past italics.  Also, yeah!  The song finally comes in to play!  Only in the more emotional parts though towards the ending, that's why I called it a "Partial Song fic".  So I have it in there to add to the emotions.  Enjoy!  Key from first chapter still applies.  Except that all lyrics will be bold.  Too many damn italics!  ^_^  and  *** instead indicates a scene shift.

On to the story!

**Numb**

**by:  Bird of Fire**

**Chapter Two:  Revelations**

                                                             **********

                                                 _9 hours earlier that same day..._

_(A/N:  That would make this around 12pm and the first chapter around 9pm since it doesn't get around dusk before then.)_

Yamato was in heaven.  His band was taking off, having more hits with the teenage crowd than he could count, his mom and dad were away on some business thing for a few days, he was enrolled in Odaiba's Community College for the coming year, and best of all, he was going to see Taichi.

They had been seeing each other for almost a year now (ok, 7 months to be exact) and, since they were both 18 and going to college, he felt it was time to move away from the parents.  He couldn't think of a better person to move in with either, a devilish grin playing on his lips.  He already had a few apartments picked out.

Now he just had to ask Taichi.

His heart lept, he was nervous.  Not only because of his proposal, but also remembering Taichi's voice on the phone last night.  Tai had said that he needed to tell him something important and asked him to come over today.  That only made his heart beat faster in anticipation.

'_Jeez!  You'd think I was 13 and on my first date the way I'm carrying on!_ '  Yamato scolded himself walking up to Tai's door.  He took a breath to compose himself and knocked...

                                                                    ***

Taichi was nervous.  He was sure people would mistake him for a rattle had there been anyone else home.  "I have to get a grip!  It's time I told Yamato the truth."

'_Do_ you _even know the truth?  What if he takes it badly?  Of course, there's no good way of taking it.  What if you loose him?  You should wait until you know for sure.  What if...?_'

"Enough!"  Tai cut his thoughts off sharply.  This was Yamato!  They've been dating close to a year and were in love.  He may be shocked, terrified even, but he was sure they'd make it through this.  "It's better I tell him soon anyway in case the results are true.  He wouldn't let an uncertainty like this come between us just like that!"  Taichi was arranging the snacks on the kitchen table for when Yamato arrived when this last thought caught him off guard, '_Would he?_'  He didn't have time to answer this thought when he heard a knock on his door...

                                                                    ***

"Hi Sweetie!"  Yamato said, giving Tai a long, lingering kiss as soon as the door opened.  Taichi froze, only for a second, then wrapped his arms around the taller boy's neck pulling him inside the foyer.  Yamato almost laughed at this gesture before Tai pulled him closer in a desperate kiss making Yamato forget everything all at once.  '_God I've missed these lips..._'  It had only been four days since Taichi had some business to do with Jyou, but to Yamato it felt like a century.  He rubbed his tongue along Tai's bottom lip encouraging his lips to part.  Tai, caught up in the feeling, granted his silent plea and Yamato explored deeper into the mouth he'd come to know so well eliciting a soft moan from the brown-haired boy.

His heart fluttering (I'd swear it has it's own gymnastics team), Yamato eased his hand under Tai's shirt to stroke his back lovingly, pulling Tai closer not wanting to break their contact.  Tai obliged and arched his back pressing himself against his golden haired Koi.

After a few more moments they finally broke apart, both realizing they needed to breathe sometime and silently cursing this need.  Tai rested his forehead on Yamato's shoulder, panting lightly, and Yamato was content on stroking Tai's unruly locks as he did his best to calm his own breathing.

"Wow...that was some kiss!"  Yamato breathed, feeling Taichi smile against his chest.

"I've really missed you Yama..."  Yamato was also smiling.

Kissing Tai's head softly he said, "I've missed you too Koi."  Then something occurred to him.  "Why _were_ you gone so long anyway?  What happened over Jyou's?"  At this he felt Taichi tense and pull away slightly.  He probably would have pulled away completely had it not been for Yamato's arms around him.  '_Uh oh, that's not good._'  "What's wrong Tai?"

Taichi sighed, tears welling in his eyes making Yamato even more anxious.  "Well...I..."

"What?  Did something happen between the two of you?"  Yamato asked, gentle force behind the words.  Tai's head shot up quickly.

"No!  Of course not Yama, you know I love you."  He said, giving Yamato a tight hug to reinforce the words.

"Then...what is it?"  Yamato still felt uneasy.  Taichi looked like he was battling himself.  One part won over in the end as Taichi sighed, resigning, and pulled Yamato into the kitchen.

"Sit down Yama, it's time I told you what I realized.  I know I should have done this earlier and I'm still not sure about it.  Jyou has yet to tell me.  And I'm so afraid of what your reaction will be.  But there's nothing between me and Jyou if that's what your thinking, he's just helping me with this problem...you don't know how hard it's been to keep in back of my mind.  I realize now that I shouldn't have and - "

"Taichi!"  Yamato interrupted, "Calm down a little.  Stop pacing and come sit down."  Tai hadn't even realized he'd been pacing so he did as Yamato suggested, sitting in a chair in front of Yamato.  "Ok, now, before you confuse me even more, would it be easier to start at the beginning and tell me what's wrong?"  Taichi nodded.

"It's kind of a long story though..."  Tai trailed off, tears forming again in his eyes.

Yamato took his hand to comfort him.  It must have been a huge secret Tai's had to deal with to effect him this much.  Usually Tai was an open book literally pouring out information.  "I have all the time in the word Tai, my parents are gone remember?  They won't be expecting me and TK won't be back for another couple of hours.  Besides, I already told him I was staying over.  Take your time, but please tell me what's wrong."

Tai smiled, faintly, at Yamato's touch.  Trying to decide how to start and figuring that it was easier just to start when the problem started.  Not looking up, but instead staring at Yamato's hand on his, Taichi took a deep breath and dove in head first (so to speak).  "Yamato, do you remember Eric?"

This caught him off guard.  "Eric?"

"The guy I was dating a few weeks before we got together?"

"Eric...oh..."  Recollection hit.  "Yeah, I remember him, what about him?  What's he got to do with anything now?"

Taichi shot him an annoyed glance, "If you'd let me tell you you'd know."  He sighed, "You already know some of the details of my relationship with him so I'm not going into that.  Well, about a month after you and I started dating I got a call from him-"

Yamato felt a pang of jealousy and squeezed Tai's hand a little, "Why?"

"You interrupted me."  Tai said, half heartedly, tears started to glaze his eyes.  Still not looking up at Yamato, apparently preferring to talk to his hand, he said,  "He had some news for me.  Turns out he felt guilty about not telling me sooner in our relationship and he was worried about me.  He told he was HIV positive..."  Tai let that trail out.  Silence engulfing them.  He didn't dare look at Yamato.

On the other hand, if he had, he wouldn't have seen much of a difference.  Yamato was slow at comprehending.  "I'm sorry to hear that Tai but, not to sound jealous or heartless, I still don't see why that would be something for you to hide."  Then it dawned on him, his hands shaking a little he had to ask.  "Taichi, you didn't sleep with him when you were dating...did...you?"

At that Taichi broke down, unshed tears now coming out in full force.  Yamato felt his whole body go cold.  Not answering his question outright, Taichi rapidly continued, "I felt like a zombie that entire day, from shock more than likely.  As soon as I awoke the next morning I called our family doctor who referred me to a clinic that specialized in testing for these kinds of things.  I made an appointment as soon as I could and went in.  You wouldn't believe how scared I was Yama, it felt like I was in a movie playing someone else's part.  I felt alien, like it really wasn't happening to me.  Like I wasn't really there.  They took some of my blood and, um, other stuff for testing and told me they'd call me with the results in a week.  So I went home and pretended I had the flu.  I couldn't face you guys when I was wrecked like that.  I couldn't stand it, I was afraid of how you'd all see me, especially you..."  He squeezed Yamato's hand, reinforcing the thought, then took his own hand back clutching it to his chest.  "I went back a little over a week and that's when I got the news.  That my results were negative.  I couldn't believe how happy I was after.  The nurse was telling me some other info but I couldn't hear her, my thoughts ganging up on me at once.  I politely excused myself and went straight to you, remember?  You had said I was acting funny that day..."  Taichi sighed at the thought of that day.  His happiness and Yamato's caresses.

Apparently Yamato picked up the same memory, smiling faintly to himself.  He hadn't known why Taichi was so happy, only that he was and that Tai didn't even give him the chance to ask, launching on him as soon as the door opened.  Yamato was only too happy to oblige and dwell in his happiness.  Yes he definitely remembered that day, that was the day they went a little further in their relationship...  Realizing Taichi was ready to talk again he snapped out of his reverie to concentrate.

"I hadn't told you then because I didn't think it was really important.  Nothing was wrong with me and why should I have worried you over nothing?  But the thought was still fresh in my mind.  My mind would wander over to the phone call and Eric's revelation.  I just kept feeling more and more uneasy as the months went by.  I know now why and I regret whole-heartedly not doing anything sooner."  Quiet tears trailed down Tai's cheeks as he sat on the chair, hugging his knees to his chest for comfort.  

After a few more moments it seemed as if Taichi wasn't going to continue, and a feeling of dread was slowly but surely engulfing Yamato's body.  "Tai, what aren't you telling me?  How does Jyou enter into this?  He's not dating Eric now is he...?  No, of course not.  Then how does he fit into this story?  And what's wrong?"  Yamato racked his mind, searching desperately for a connection, trying not to land on the obvious one staring him in the face.

Taichi composed himself and went on.  "Remember in Biology class barely 2 weeks ago we were learning about STD's and their complications?  Well I didn't know it before but the HIV virus takes anywhere between 3 to 6 months to incubate in a person.  It wouldn't even register if you test too early for it.  I got to thinking, how many people sleep with HIV positive people and get away clean?"  Taichi almost sobbed out this last part, instantly going pale.  He heard Yamato gasp but didn't dare look at him.  "I wanted to make sure and I couldn't get a hold of the clinic so I asked Jyou to help me do a blood test.  He can get his father's ward to do it in secret for me..."

"What-"

"...and I had to tell you today even if I don't have the results yet.  I couldn't keep it from you any longer.  You have a right to know as much as I do..."

"Taichi, I don't know-"

"...since you're the one involved with me."  Taichi closed his eyes, trying to calm his breathing.

Yamato stood up, not able to sit any longer, panic creeping into his face.  "No, Taichi, don't even think it.  You're not HIV positive.  You're fine..."  Yamato trailed, trying to assure himself as well as Taichi.  Failing miserably.  His Taichi.  No, it couldn't be true.

Taichi sighed deeply, forcing himself to say this next part, begging the tears not to come.  "I'm sorry Yamato.  I'm sorry I didn't tell you when I found this out in the first place months ago and I'm sorry I had to tell you now.  And I'm even more sorry that it was me that you had to get involved with instead of some other cleaner person."

"Taichi, don't say that.  Why wouldn't I have wanted to date you and why would you be ashamed of it now?  I-"

Angrily, Taichi interrupted him, it looked as if he was imaging the floor was Yamato instead of looking up at him.  "Yamato, I can't help but think that this test will turn positive and I hate myself for getting involved with you when I knew of the chance.  I mean, there is a pretty big chance that I gave it to you too, and I can't live with myself for-"  Taichi cut off sharply from his rant, not meaning to blurt it out like that.  He heard Yamato's panicked gasp and saw him move a few steps backward.  Apparently, Yamato hadn't thought of this huge detail.  Tears threatening to spill out of his eyes for the umpteenth time that day, Taichi finally, cautiously looked into the eyes of his Koi...

                                                             **********

                                             _Back to present, in Taichi's room. _

_(A/N:  This is referring back to the first chapter.  The note for "remembering past conversations/actions" now applies.)_

"Oh God, I don't think I have any tears left in me."  Taichi said into his pillow.  Sitting up, his mind tortured him by replaying the day.  His confession, Yamato's protests, his abandoning...  Desperate, Taichi sobbed, walking to his stereo to drown out his thoughts.  He grabbed his favourite Linkin Park CD, "Meteora," and turned it on, cranking up the volume on track 13.  He felt it was perfect for his mood, dictating what had happened that day.

**I'm tired of being what you want me to be,**

**Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface.**

**I don't know what you're expecting of me,**

**Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes.**

**[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow.]**

**Every step that I take is another mistake to you...**

**[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow.]**

Taichi's mind wandered, reminded again of Yamato...

// _"No."  Yamato was pale, hands shaking even more than they were before.  But in his eyes..._

_"Yamato, I-"_

_"How could you?"  ...contempt..._

_"I didn't mean-"_

_"You should have told me sooner!"  ...anger..._

_"I'm sor--"_

_"Why Taichi?  How could you have kept this from me?  All this time?!"  ...hatred...fear._

_"Yama, I'm sorry!"  Taichi sobbed, "I love-"_

_"NO!"  Yamato cut him off forcefully.  Then, as sudden as his outburst, Yamato turned and was gone._ \\

**I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.**

**I've become so tried, so much more aware.**

**I'm becoming this, all I want to do,**

**Is be more like me and be less like you.**

"I am numb.  Yamato, without you I don't feel right.  I can't feel anything but the mind-numbing pain.  I can't live with this feeling, knowing I hurt you.  That I put your life in danger also."  Taichi whispered, then crying softly, "I just want this endless pain to stop.  I don't know how to get it to stop."  He then saw a glint of light on his side table.  He walked over to see what it was, a piece of glass from one of his mother's cups.  "Where..."  He searched his mind for a reason.  _'Oh yeah, I had dropped it and it broke on the kitchen floor.  I must have carried this piece back with me..._'  He picked it up, light reflecting off of it into tiny glints of colour.  Suddenly, he felt calm.  He had an answer.  If he couldn't ease his pain, his guilt, then he just had to get rid of it permanently.  He felt so tired of crying, so hurt, so _alone_...

Taichi sat on his bedroom floor, tossing the glass shard back and forth in his hands.  "Yamato..."  He whispered, feeling the tears come again.  Then the calming numbness took over as the warm shard passed over the vulnerable flesh of his wrists.

                                                                    ***

                                                   _Same time, different place._

"...So I ran.  I panicked TK.  I didn't know what else to do, he looked so lost and I was so hurt, I ran out on him, I ran out on my best friend and my lover."  Yamato finished, looking at his brother, a mixture of pain and fear in his eyes.  Fear for what he'd done, fear about his own future, fear for Taichi, and fear of what his brother would think of him.

TK was still.  So many thoughts running through his head, he didn't know how to react to all of them.  Or how to react to the look in his brother's eyes.  "Yamato..."  He couldn't finish, he was just so stunned.

The silence was unbearable, Yamato couldn't take it.  He got up and walked to the radio, turned it on, and immediately recognized the song.  It was one of his favourites to strum out on his guitar...

**Can't you see that you're smothering me?**

**Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control.**

"That's how I felt."  Yamato said, sitting next to Takeru.  "All these emotions coming at me.  I had just heard that he possibly could have aids and then that I might have it, mixed in with his hurt, his shame, his need for me to comfort him, it was just too much for me.  I couldn't stay there.  I had to go."

**Cause everything that you thought I would be,**

**Has fallen apart, right in front of you.**

"I let him down Takeru.  He was in pain, he needed me, and I let him down."  Yamato put his face in his hands, feeling miserable.

"You talk like he's gone Yama.  He's still here, still in pain, still needing you, probably in his room right now feeling as alone as you are.  And you need him too."  TK said softly, hugging Yamato to try to comfort him again.  "You can get through this together, _you need each other_.  Besides, he's not even sure yet.  You said Jyou hadn't called him with the results right?  This has to be eating him up with guilt and worry.  You have to go back there now."

**[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow.]**

**Every step that I take is another mistake to you...**

"But how can I face him again?  How can he forgive me?  How can I forgive myself?"  Yamato looked at TK, a glint of hope in his eyes.  For being his younger brother, he had a wise air about him.

"You still love him right?  With that anything is forgivable.  Do you still love Taichi, Yama?"  TK looked straight into his oniichan's eyes.  Yamato jumped a little, surprised, then smiled as it dawned on him.  He had hope.  He had to get to Taichi.

**[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow.]**

**And every second I waste is more than I can take!**

"Then go to him Yamato!"  TK pushed Yamato off the couch.

Yamato got up and gave TK a quick hug. "Thank you..." He whispered into his little brother's ear before running out the door as fast as his legs could carry him, not noticing the approving smile appearing on TK's face...

                                                                    ***

                                                         To be continued...

Well?  What did you guys think?  ^_^  Personally this brought tears to my eyes when I was writing it.  The pain, the misery, the hope, TK's love...I can't believe the direction this has taken me to.  I originally had something completely different mapped out for it, but Taichi's story changed it.  He changed me.  I'm no God in this story...

So what do you guys think will happen now?  Yamato doesn't know what Taichi has done in his absence, do you think he'll get there in time?  I honestly wish I had an answer for you.  What about Taichi's revelation?  Was it something you were expecting or did it catch you completely off guard?  And what of Yamato's reaction?  Think it was the right thing to do or does he deserve his pain?  (  ^_^  )  I know *I* wasn't expecting any of it.

I know it's pretty absurd of me to say that since I "wrote" the fic, but honestly, try it someday.  A lot of writers out there will tell you the same thing:  The author doesn't write the fic, the fic writes itself with the author's help.  There have been plenty of times where someone has mapped out a plot only to have it change suddenly and be nothing like what they've imagined in the end.  Or, even times when a character becomes so real on paper that they change the story at will almost.  Like he controls the story, not the author.  As I said, I'm no God in this fic anymore.  Yamato and Taichi are.

Anyway, thanks for the reviews everyone!  I'd still love to hear your reactions to my latest installment.  And still, if you want to know what's going on with this fic, please visit my Update Journal.  It won't let me post the link here so look in my profile.

Chapter three, the final (hopefully) chapter soon to come.

Walk with love,

BOF


	3. Desperation

**DISCLAIMER**  Nope, still don't own Digimon.  Wish I did though.

A/N:  Ok, this Chapter reinforces the R rating.  It could even be NC / 17 because of the angst, some details, and the general mood.  This chapter could give ya nightmares when read under the right context.  I finally finished writing it at 6 in the morning one day.  Read and judge for yourself but I'm warning you, it's not a happy chapter.  -_-;;  It took me so long to post it because I was too afraid to.  I actually rewrote it to make it a little happier but it didn't work out so this is what you're left with.  Hope it doesn't seem like a cliche'.  I'm afraid a few parts might turn out that way.  -_-

Oh yeah, this isn't the last one, there's room for an epilogue so there might be a semi-short chapter 4.  But I am still a little unsure how I want it to end so I'm going to do something I usually don't do.  I'm going to let YOU the readers decide.  More details after this chapter.  But for now, onto the story!

Btw:  There's a bit of sap in this too.

**Numb**

**by:  Bird of Fire**

**Chapter 3:  Desperation**

                                                                    ***

_                                                            Taichi's Room_

_A/N:  For those of you that don't catch on, Tai is in a bit of an amnesiac state.  His act probably triggered it.  Kinda like when you get a cut that you don't know you have and it only starts to hurt after you've noticed it.  I talked with a friend of mine who's brother (both will remain nameless) had tried to commit suicide once and I asked about certain things for Taichi's reaction.  He basically told me that he didn't have a reaction at all, he hadn't realized what he did until his sister ran in.  Only he felt extreme remorse afterwards but during, he didn't feel a thing.  So with that in mind, read on!_

**I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.**

**I've become so tired, so much more aware.**

The sound of the music on his stereo snapped him out of his trance.

'_What did I do?_' he thought, an odd calming feeling encasing him.  Much different than the despair he felt a few moments ago.  There was only one thing wrong - he felt so _tired_ all of a sudden.  So empty, emotionless really.  It scared him, but for only a few seconds as the emotion was absorbed in the nothingness creeping from the back of his mind.

**I'm becoming this, all I want to do**

**Is be more like me and be less like you.**

"What's wrong with me, I feel so different..."  He looked around his room for anything out of the ordinary - nope, same old room, same old mess.  He then looked up at his reflection in the mirror - same hair, same body...he touched his face...everything was the same except...his complexion.  His usually tanned skin, the result of many soccer practices, was a bit paler than normal.

'_I really need to get in the sun more.  Maybe I just need a glass of water.  That might bring me back to normal._'  He tried to stand, immediately falling back down in a sudden dizzy spell.  "Shit, was I _drinking_ already?"  Slowly this time, Taichi stood and padded off towards the kitchen, using the hall walls as support.

He was only vaguely aware of the blood stain he left behind on the carpet...and of the warmth that slipped down from his wrists down onto the walls as he slowly walked off in a daze.

                                                                    ***

"What...the...f--"  Yamato stopped and bent, hands on his knees, panting heavily.  Drops of sweat glistened in the lights of the street lamps, plastering some stray locks of his hair to his forehead.  He brushed them away angrily.  "Gods, you'd think after all those practices that Taichi dragged me to and digi-world adventures that I'd earn some amount of stamina!"  He fumed, still trying to catch his breath.

_Taichi..._

"Well, sooner I get there the sooner I can try to make it up to him.  Virus be damned!"  He checked his pockets, feeling nothing, and imagined little cartoon moths flying out of them.  "Damn.  The bus ate up the last of my change!  No taxi for me I guess..."

'_But you have to get to him.  He needs you..._' his mind urged.

With renewed vigor, and a sudden urge for another...uh...'night jog,' Yamato took off again for the Yagami* residence.

(*A/N  Ok, maybe someone can explain the switch.  In the series it's "Kamiya" but I've seen it written in fics as "Yagami" also.  Why the change?  Is there a reason for it?   I just use the "Yagami" name because I like the "read it backwards" references.  Maybe that's why it was changed?  Thanks for any answers to my confused mind!  ^_^ )

                                                                    ***

Listening to the music blasting out of his stereo (he couldn't for the life of him remember why he turned it up that loud) Tai rummaged through the cupboard deftly.  He was taking out a glass when he noticed the trays of various foods arranged on the dining room table.

"What the...why are those out?"

**And I know...**

**I may end up failing to...**

After filling his glass with tap water, Tai took a sip and immediately cringed at the coppery taste.  Confused, he looked down at the glass, his mind clearing as he gazed at his wrists...

// _I can't help but think that this test will turn positive and I hate myself for getting involved with you when I knew of the chance.  I mean, there is a pretty big chance that I gave it to you too, and I can't live with myself..._ \\

He dropped his glass, shattering it on the hard wood floor, as he sank down to his knees.  His memories flooded back to him, his hurt coming back in waves.  He hurt Yamato.  He may have killed him with the same thing that'll kill himself eventually.  Yamato hated him.  Looking at the blood dripping and puddling around his knees, Tai held his breath and lifted his wrists to encourage the flow.

'_Maybe if I get rid of the dirty blood I'll be clean again and Yamato won't be mad at me..._' his mind trailed, irrationally.  Starting to feel nauseated, he half-crawled/half-walked back to his room to pull himself back onto his bed.  The music still pounded in his ears.

**But I know...**

**You were just like me with someone disappointed in you.**

Suddenly he let out a sharp cry and doubled over as pain wrenched him to his knees.  His heart pounded, trying to pump the vital liquid that was slowly and steadily seeping out of his wounds to his major organs.  Tai eventually crawled in bed, gasping, and pulled his knees to his chest trying to find a position that offered less pain as he felt his body start to die.  He shivered violently, feeling icy.  '_Oh Gods, what is happening to me?_'

Tears sprang to his eyes as he gazed at the photo by his bed of a sun golden-haired blonde boy with clear, dazzling blue eyes.

"Yam...a...to..." he whispered as his mind screamed.  Pain engulfed his body one last time before the darkness finally took over.

                                                                    ***

_Yam...a...to..._

Yamato froze about a block away from Tai's apartment with an uneasy feeling.  '_No...it couldn't be..._'  The voice in his head sounded pained, scared...

He broke into a run, reaching Taichi's door in less than five minutes.  He heard loud music coming from the apartment so he knew knocking wasn't going to work.  Instead, he felt around the door frame for the spare key they kept.  Finding it, he hurried to unlock the door and push the door open.

What he saw was blood...and not just speckles of it but _puddles_ of it on the kitchen floor.  He stared at two exceptionally large twin puddles right in front of the sink, glass and water mixed in with the mess.  Yamato's mind spun as he felt faint.  '_Maybe he cut himself on the glass accidentally,_' he thought lamely.

'_Taichi..._'

Then he saw the trail.  No, something happened to him.  His Tai was in trouble.  He faintly wondered if someone broke in and locked the door on their way out as he followed the trail, painfully aware of the dried smears on each side wall.  He finally stopped, standing in Tai's doorway.

The first thing he noticed was the large crimson stain.  A striking contrast to the pale carpet on the hard wooden floor.  _So much blood..._  Subconsciously, Yamato reached over to turn the volume down on the blasting stereo.

**I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.**

**I've become so tired, so much more aware...**

"Taichi?  Where..." his voice shook as his eyes searched Tai's room, coming across the form curled up on the bed.  Suddenly he couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't speak--he found himself rushing over to Tai's curled body.  Sitting on the bed, he pulled Tai into his lap so he could lay back onto Yamato's chest.  Yamato sought a pulse in Tai's neck, relief flooding him when he found a weak one.  Taking in Tai's blood-soaked appearance, he quickly grabbed his cell phone and dialed the number for the nearest hospital.

"Hello?  I-I need an ambulance right now.  My boyfriend...something happened to him!  I don't know...there's so much blood..."  Yamato gasped, noticing the twin cuts.  "His wrists..." he trailed off, dropping the phone to the floor.  He gently lifted Tai's hands, examining the still bleeding cuts.  On impulse, Yamato took off his own shirt and ripped long strips to bandage Tai's wrists.  Kissing Tai's palms, tears spilled over his cheeks as he realized what Taichi had done.

**I'm becoming this, all I want to do**

**Is be more like me and be less like you.**

"Oh Koi...no...please..." he sobbed, lowering his head to Taichi's shoulder.  He willed the image to go away.  No...this couldn't be happening.

Tai stirred, feeling warm wetness on his neck behind him, smelling the familiar scent.  "Yamato?" he whispered.

Shock.  "Taichi?  Thank the Gods you're awake.  I thought..."

"You came back?"  He was so quiet, Yama had to strain to hear him, even sitting this close.

"Of course Koi, I couldn't stay away.  I'm so sorry Tai...I'm sorry for what I put you through, you didn't deserve that..."  Tai turned his head slowly to look up at him.  Yamato gasped, '_His skin is paler than mine.  Exactly how much blood did he loose...?_'

"It's...okay......you couldn't...have--"  He couldn't continue, a coughing fit stealing any words that came.  Yamato was terrified, unable to help his lover, only able to hold him close.  Tai's fit passed as he started shivering again, cuddling into the warmth of Yamato's chest.  "Yama, I'm...so cold....what's happening to.........me..."  Tai said, weakly.

"Tai, hold on please.  There's an ambulance on it's way.  They'll help you and you'll be back to yourself in no time.  You'll see!"  Yamato cried softly, unable to stop the tears.  Silence.  "T-Taichi...?"

**I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.**

**[I'm tired of being what you want me to be.]**

"I'm sorry Yama."  Taichi whispered, barely audible.  "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.  I'm sorry if I gave it to you too.  I'm sorry I hurt you.  You don't need someone like me..."

"Koi, no.  Don't say that.  It wasn't--"

"And thank you Koibito, for the last seven months.  You're the best thing that has happened to me.  I can't imagine what my life would have been like without sharing it with you."  Tai reached up to cup Yamato's cheek in his hand, his feathery touches sending chills through Yamato's body as he turned his head to kiss Tai's fingers.  Yama then bent his head down, hesitantly, and captured those soft lips of his lover with his, feeling Tai's heartbeat in the kiss.  He pulled him closer still, trying to warm Tai's skin, trying to keep him alive.

**I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.**

**[I'm tired of being what you want me to be.]**

Tai pulled away, looking deep into those blue eyes, thinking there was nothing else more beautiful.  "I love you Ishida Yamato, with all my heart.  I always have and I always will.  Remember that."  A faint smile played on the golden-haired boy's lips.

"Taichi, I--" 

He was cut off sharply as Tai suddenly gripped his side - _hard_.  With a whimper, Tai buried his face in Yamato's chest.  It felt like liquid fire was coursing through his body, making him beg for it to stop.

"Taichi?!  What's wrong??  What's going on?"  Panic.  Yamato didn't know what to do, only pray that the fucking ambulance would get here sooner.  He laid Taichi back on the bed to try to make him more comfortable.  Tai whimpered again and slowly opened his eyes.

Fear.  Blue eyes met brown eyes one more time.  "Yama..." Tai whispered, sighing, his eyes fluttered closed as he once again fell into the nothingness.

"Tai?  Taichi??  No please, Taichi...don't leave me...Please!"  Yamato sobbed, resting his forehead on his lover's chest.  "I love you, Yagami Taichi.  Forever."  He whispered to his lover, the faint sound of ambulance sirens rolled in the distance.

                                                                    ***

                                                          To be continued...?

God I feel like a sadist.  I don't know how I could do that to them so please don't ask.  -_-;  Maybe it's because of the mood I'm in.  My boyfriend just got stationed in Kuwait for 4 - 6 months for airforce duty (at least that's where I think he's at.  They aren't allowed to tell me, but that's where a lot of people are being sent) and I feel like killing somebody right now.  My own reasons, I won't bore you with the details.  And since the guy who told him to go isn't within my reach then I feel the need to take it out on Taichi.

Tai:  o_O  *sobs*  why did you do that to me?

Yama:  *sobs*  my Taichi, he better pull through.  I don't know how I'd live without him.  

Tai:  {snuggles next to Yama}  She's evil.  Pure evil.

BOF:  I'm sorry guys!  But it was time for me to take back the fic.  

Yama:  But you didn't have to kill my lover, bitch.

Tai:  Yama!

Yama:  Sorry.

BOF:  Well, you don't know that he's dead!!  I kinda left that open-ended.  He could pull through, or he could die.

Yama:  Still that's not good enough.  {looks lovingly at Tai}  It's too close.  Tai would have never done that to himself.  I would have never hurt him like that.

Tai:  {gets a dreamy look}  Of course not!  I love you too much Yama.

BOF:  How about this, after I'm done "Sweet Dreams" and "Strange Powers"  I'll dedicate my first yaoi lemon to you 2?  You'll be center stage.

Tai:  I like!  {looks at Yama, hearts fluttering around his head.}

Yama:  Me too, I get to be on top though.  {looks at Tai, his own hearts fluttering around.}

BOF:  Ugh, guys get a room.  The hearts are smothering me.

{Tai and Yama glare at BOF before happily obliging.}

Annnnnyway, as I said earlier, this is where you, the readers, come in.  If I decide to make an epilogue (which I'm not so sure about now, the story kinda seems good where it is) then I'd like to get some votes on how you guys would like this to turn out.  So what do you say guys?  Give me your thoughts!  What do you want to happen?  I'll wait another week and on August 11th I'll start writing the epilogue.  One thing though, I'm NOT writing any lemons!  ^_^  It wouldn't be appropriate in this Taito...or rather, it's more of a Yamachi...

Contact me for more info if you like!  Leave your ideas/votes either in my reviews, reply to my "challenge" post on my Online Journal, or contact me directly at:  Flamebirdphoenix@hotmail.com

Thanks!

BOF


	4. Epilogue

***DISCLAIMER***  NO I DON'T OWN DIGIMON.  Sheesh.  You'd think FFNet would get the hint already.  ^_^  Oh yeah, and I don't own the Song "Numb".  Linkin Park has that one.  Little late to say that now though.  The song parts are over.

OK!  This fic needs an epilogue!  There's too many loose ends.  I've gotten about a 50/50 vote from you guys too, not enough for a clear cut "live or die" so sorry, I'm going where my heart goes on this one then.  First I'm gonna sleep on it and see what I come up with.  Ooooooh that's a scary thought...  Ja!  ~_^

~@~

A/N:  (next day) I don't know if I'll like how this turns out...  -_-  My mind is funny when sleeping.  Ooooh you guys are gonna really hate me this time.  *_*  Hopefully only for a little while though!  

BTW:  I'm winging the prayer in the beginning.  I don't know it.  And I don't know if they do stuff like that in Japan but it works for my fic.  I'm God, I can do whatever I want.  ^_^;;  Plegh!  Anyway, I don't think I need to enforce the "R" rating.  You've been here since the beginning so you know what's up.... or DO you?

**Numb**

**by:  Bird of Fire**

**Chapter 4:  Epilogue**

"_Ashes to ashes, earth to earth, dust to dust.  We return our brother in life to nature.  May he find peace in this final resting place..._"

                                                                    ***

Yamato sighed as he walked away from the procession going on.  The cemetery had become very familiar to him in these last few weeks.  It seemed to clear his head, letting him float just between the planes of reality and fantasy.  Why he chose this place to walk was a little unclear, maybe it was symbolic.  Maybe it was to keep his memory alive.  Maybe it was to remind him that death was very real, that it could happen to anyone anytime.  No one was immune.  He looked at the tombstones as he walked, the only link to the people buried beneath.  "Beloved wife," "True friend and brother," "Rest in peace amongst the angels..."  Words.  That's all that was left of them.  Save for the memories that belonged only to the loved ones they left behind, a mystery to the wandering visitor that happens along.

'_The loved ones they left behind..._'

A lone tear escaped Yamato's eyes as he looked to the sky, still continuing his slow walk on the path he'd come to know well.  He'd memorized this place well enough to know where one step would lead him after another.  The sights, the smells, all burned into his memory forever.  He knew he'd never forget this.  Just like he knew he'd never forget that night just a month ago...

"Gods, it still seems like it was just yesterday, I don't think it'll ever become easier to forget."  Yamato whispered, holding back the tears that threatened to come again.  No, not this time.  He gritted his teeth, forcing them back.  "Maybe none of us are really meant to forget.  Just go on."

It was just then that he realized where his body had led him again.  That same clearing, that same tree.  A slight hill looking out over the cemetery fields towards the sunset.  The one tombstone standing tall against the fading light, like a brave warrior facing an insurmountable enemy.  '_So much like it's occupant would have been._'  Yamato sat, leaning against the tree, not looking at the stone but rather turning his gaze to the setting sun.  It was beautiful today, more golden somehow, with hope of another day to come.  He sighed, letting the tears come softly, silently as he said goodbye.  Out of sorrow?  Out of grief?  Or maybe out of relief?  Only he knew...

                                                             **********

It was dark by the time Yamato got home to his apartment.  He knew he should use his time to unpack his things, boxes lay everywhere from the move from his dad's place, but being as he was he just didn't feel like it at the moment.  Feeling melancholy was the worst, it meant you never got anything done.  

'_Habits die hard I guess._'  Yamato thought, a smile tugging at his lips.  Well, he'd have more time now, having finally said goodbye to his walks.  He had to let go.

He walked over to the coat stand to hang his jacket and noticed the bundle of mail lying on the table.  '_Must have forgotten to pick this upon my way out again.  Oops._'  

"Let's see what we have today....bills....more bills....notice on rent?  Geez, I only got the apartment a week ago, owners must be paranoid."  Then Yamato fell silent, his eyes resting on the last letter.  "Priority Mail from Jyou Kido."  '_This is it..._'  Carrying the unopened letter, Yamato walked to his bedroom and set it on the nightstand.  He then noticed the light was left on.  Yamato sighed, chuckling quietly as he gazed at the sleeping form curled upon the bed.

Taichi was sleeping soundly on his side, a book lay open at his fingertips.  The light from the nightstand cast a golden glow on his face, bare arms and chest, making him seem almost spiritual, his hair even more unruly caused probably by his tossing and turning.  His lips partly open as he breathed deep.

'_My angel, you must have been worried again and decided to wait for me...or try to anyway..._'  Yamato snickered.  He picked up the book and set it on the nightstand along with the letter and turned off the light.  Then, he stripped off his clothing down to his boxers and climbed into bed, resting against Tai's back.  He rubbed Tai's shoulders a little, then trailed kisses from his neck to his back, only stopping when Tai stirred in front of him.

"Yama?"  Tai half said, half yawned his name and snuggled closer to the form beside him.

Yamato leaned over, resting next to Tai's ear.  "Yes angel, I'm here," he whispered, before kissing the soft place just behind it.  Taichi sighed and rolled over to face his lover, eyes half lidded from sleep, a smile on his lips.

"Good, you were gone longer this time.  I was starting to worry what had happened to you.  Where did you go?"  Taichi asked, kissing Yamato's nose, tickling him a little bit.

"The cemetery again," Yamato noticed his love's worried look, fully awake now.  Yama took Tai's face in his hands, his fingers caressing the soft skin as he kissed his forehead.  "No Koi, I'm ok now.  I had to say my goodbyes to the place.  I couldn't help but be drawn to it, I came very close to having to visit you there instead of a lone, now unclaimed plot." He whispered as he took one of Tai's hands in his own, lightly licking and kissing the underside of his wrist.  His wounds had scarred of course, they all knew that they would and leave a constant reminder back to that terrifying day.  Just thinking about it was enough to bring the memories to full vision in Yamato's mind.

                                                                    ***

Taichi had been unconscious by the time the ambulance came, a nearly hysterical Yamato lying beside him.  Tai had stopped breathing and the paramedics had spent long, agonizing minutes reviving him.  When he was breathing again, he was rushed into the ambulance, Yamato sticking close to his side, and received partial care for his wrists so he wouldn't loose anymore blood.  It was all they could do until they got to the hospital.

When they finally arrived, Yamato had been forced to wait in the waiting room.  After much protesting and getting nowhere, he decided to try to get a hold of Taichi's parents.  He didn't know how to begin to explain what had happened to their son so he decided to let them come down and let the doctors explain it to them.

Hours had passed, Yamato sat dazed across from the Yagamis and had been bombarded with question after question.  Why did this happen?  Why did he do this?  Will he be ok?  Yamato had just sat quietly until the doctor finally came.  Apparently by the time Yamato had discovered Taichi, he had lost so much blood that his internal organs were starting to shut down from lack of oxygenated blood, causing him the intense pain that he felt.  He had needed an immediate blood transfusion before anymore damage was done.  Luckily it wasn't anything that Tai's body couldn't fix on it's own, granted he be kept at the hospital for a week or two for observation and a lot of rest.  

A few days later, with the doctor's permission, Yamato had walked to Tai's room.  He had to see him again, make sure he was going to be ok.  He knew all too well how close he was to losing his lover forever and it still shook him to think about it.  He kept having funeral dreams where he'd be standing there facing a grave plot against the setting sun, he'd hear the priest's closing prayer as they lowered the coffin to the ground, and the sun would set at just the right angle to shine on the tombstone.  "Taichi Yagami.  Beloved son, brother, leader, and friend."

Shaking, he arrived at Tai's room and walked in.  The medicine smell was thicker in there, but that didn't bother him as much as the sight.  Taichi was there, breathing softly.  An IV was attached to his right arm, another clear liquid attached to his left along with a few tubes in his nose to help him with his breathing.  Yamato slowly walked over to the bed, sitting in the chair beside him.  He looked so pale, so weak, hardly like the Taichi he knew but still, so very beautiful to him.  

He took Tai's bandaged hand in his own, carefully rubbing the skin around the bandages and needles.  He didn't notice when Tai had opened his eyes until Tai squeezed his hand lightly.  Dazed blue eyes lifted to meet tear-glazed brown ones again finally after what seemed like a lifetime.  Yamato cried again for the first time since the ambulance got to the Yagami apartment and found Taichi bleeding to death.  He stood up and hugged Tai tightly, but soft enough as to not hurt him more.

"Don't you ever leave me like that again, you hear me you baka?  Never again or I'll kill you myself!"  He cried into Tai's shoulder.

Tai hugged him back, hope shining in his eyes as well as tears for the first time in what seemed like days.  "You have my word, I love you.  Thank you Yamato."

                                                                    ***

// "_Thank you Yamato..._" \\

Taichi squeezed Yamato's hand, recognizing the distant expression on Yama's face.  Yamato knew that Tai was still worried about him, his unannounced walks in the cemetery not helping matters.  But to Yamato, it felt like a necessity.  Like closing the circle with a better conclusion, but still keeping the reality.  He wasn't going crazy, no... far from it, it just gave him a sense of relief.  He probably would have went crazy and killed himself if he had had to read Taichi's name etched in grey stone, like his dream.  But no, Tai was here in his arms, looking at him with wide brown eyes.  Worry etched slightly in his features for him, his body pressed warmly against his own.  On _their_ bed, in the apartment _they_ shared...together.  Yamato lifted Tai's hand again and let it rest on his cheek, letting Tai feel the warm smile forming as he leaned forward and kissed Tai gently.

Pulling away, his lips still brushing Tai's slightly, he whispered, "Koi, you don't have to worry.  I'm here, you're here, that's all I need.  I love you Yagami Taichi, more than you realize..."  He quickly kissed him again before going on, "...and I'm not going to let anything come between us ever again.  You have my word on that.  My walks are over, I've said goodbye, the dream is gone and I still have you here with me.  So no more worrying about me, alright?"  He pulled back as Tai's eyes drifted open, gazing into beautiful blue.

"I know Yamato, but you know I still worry about you.  How can I not?  I mean, I understand your reasoning for it, I know it's helping, but really Yamato.  Who goes around walking in cemeteries until the late hours of the night and comes out sane?  I mean, it _is_ a little strange Yama."

Yamato chuckled and pulled Tai into a firm hug.  "Yeah, well, Taichi.  I'm a strange guy, I would have thought you'd realized that by now!"

"You're as strange as they come."  Tai scooted back out of Yama's hug and smiled at him.  Reaching out to brush a few strands of blonde hair that - amazingly - came out of place from Yamato's forehead, he felt the familiar tingle in his wrist and noticed his scar.  "You know, I still feel so guilty.  If I would have just told someone sooner, maybe I could have prevented the virus... and this.  And maybe I wouldn't have given it to you too.  I'm still so sorry Yamato.  I never meant to-"

Yamato shushed him with a kiss.  "Don't you start on that again Taichi.  You didn't know.  It wasn't you're fault.  I know you didn't mean it.  You went to get tested when you found out and it said you weren't at the time.  You didn't know, it wasn't your fault and it doesn't matter anyway.  TK helped me realize something that day.  I love you.  You love me.  We have to stick by each other in this, we need each other's strength and I am not abandoning you in this.  We'll get through it together no matter the outcome.  Either way, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, whether it be a long or short one."  He lifted Tai's chin until their eyes met, tears shining in his brown eyes.  "Just remember that before you go doing something drastic, ok? I can't loose you.  I won't."

"No Yama, you won't."  Tai smiled and leaned his head against Yamato's chest, not able to get enough of the feeling of laying there next to him.  He couldn't believe he had almost given this up, it all seemed like a bad dream.  

Suddenly, Yamato felt Tai sigh, a little sadly.  "Koi?  What's wrong?  Are you alright?"

"Yes Yama, I'm fine.  I just realized something though.  We _still_ don't know what's going on.  I never did get a call from Jyou about my test results and I still haven't been able to get a hold of him yet.  I hate this uncertainty is all..."

"Oh, that reminds me..."  Yamato sat up a little and, leaning on one elbow, he reached across Tai to pick up the letter on the nightstand.  "I found this in the mail pile today.  It's a note from Jyou.  I think it may just be the results."  He handed the letter to Tai.  "Why not open it and find out?  I figured you'd want to do it so at least you'd have some peace of mind.  It doesn't matter to me much though, I still love you no matter the result."

Tai looked at the letter for a few moments, his hands shaking.  "Yama, what if this is bad news though?  What if-"

"Like I said angel, we'll work through it."  He kissed Tai's neck gently, soothingly.

Tai took a deep breath and opened the letter.  He turned to Yamato and noticed that he wasn't looking at the note, but at him.  "Don't you want to know what it says?"

Yamato looked him straight in the eye.  "I've already told you, I don't care what it says.  All I care about is you.  I know you need to know or it'll eat at your mind forever.  I on the other hand could care less what it says.  I still love you either way and I'll still be here.  Now go on and read it so I can get back to kissing you."

Tai laughed and turned his attention back to the note.  '_This is it..._'  He opened it and started to read Jyou's fine, although hurried, handwriting.  '_This piece of paper here holds mine and Yama's future..._'

Yamato stared intently at Tai, not once looking at the note.  He had meant every word he said.  It really didn't matter to him if the test was positive or negative.  He'd just continue living life as if nothing happened, with Taichi.  As long as they were together nothing else mattered.  But he knew Tai felt guilty so he was hoping that this note, whatever it said, would give Tai something definite to work on.  If it was good news then hopefully he wouldn't feel anymore guilt and they could put it behind them.  If it was bad news then...well...it would be something to work through together.  Just like any other problem they're bound to face.  Still...he couldn't help but feel nervous as Taichi read the note.  He looked into Tai's eyes once more and noticed tears starting to form again in his gaze.  His heart sank.  '_Uh oh... Gods Tai, I'm sorry..._'

He was about to pull the brunette in a supportive hug when Tai suddenly turned to him, a smile forming on his lips.  His heart beating faster, Yamato whispered, "Tai...?"

"Yama!  It's...we're..."  He said breathlessly, but was unable to finish as Yamato pulled him into a tight hug, silencing him effectively as Tai returned the hug just as tightly.  Yamato didn't need Tai to finish, he just knew that from now on, everything was going to be just fine.

                                                                    ***

                                                             ~Owari~

Lol, was I right?  Did you guys hate me?  At least for a little while in the beginning when I made you think he was dead?  ~_^;;  Although I think I went a little overboard on the sap in the end...

Tai:  (flabbergasted) O.O*  Wow.  You didn't kill me?!  You actually let me live?  It was actually a HAPPY ending???  Holy Shi--

Finish that sentence and I'll definitely kill you in that lemon I promised you.  Does a heart attack during sex REALLY occur in younger guys?  You could be the first!

Tai:  *EEP!*  o.O;;;;

Anyway, I was actually going to put your name on that tombstone that Yamato visited on the hill but my fingers and mind wouldn't let me.  So the burial plot went unclaimed for now.

Yamato:  You mean for good.

Ugh, you're right!  I couldn't kill him!  I love him too much to kill him.  Sillie was right, I can hurt him all I want, but I JUST - CAN'T - KILL - HIM.  It's a physical impossibility.  hehe  At least I'm not on Yama-kun's hit-list anymore, am I Yama?

Yamato:  We'll see.  We'll see indeed.  Ask me after the lemon.  *Evil Grin*

Oh great...

Anyway, that was my first ever publicized fic, my first Yamachi/Taito fic, AND my first yaoi fic I believe.  So this one is for my history books.  How did you guys like it?  Think I should continue more fics or do I suck and should just give up now?  ^_^;;;  CC, reviews, thoughts, even flames are more than welcome right now!  Easy on the flames though ok?  And please don't flame me for my choice of topic.  I don't mind flames if what I wrote was crappy (I deserve a kick in the bum when that happens), just not for my ideas.

Tai:  *kicks BOF in the bum*  The idea of killing me was crappy.

BOF:  DIE!!!!!  *Runs around chasing Tai with a meat cleaver*  You don't know what pain feels like PAL!

Tai:  *Hides behind Yama*  Ahhh!  SAVE ME!

BOF:  *Stops*  Oh damn.  Penetrating blue eyes...must...resist...charm....Ugh.  *grumbles*  I'll get you later Yagami.

Anyway, before I go (I know, I'm the queen of Intro/Ending ranting) I just wanted to comment on the 50/50 vote thing.  Yes I was very surprised!  Half of you wanted him to live, half of you wanted him to die!  Funny though, the ones who wanted him to live left reviews and the ones who wanted him to die emailed me.  lol  ^_^  Hell, I even got threatened with bodily harm if I killed or didn't kill Taichi!  Make up your mind!  ^_^

Ok I think I've bored all of you enough. Ja!  Hope you've enjoyed your stay and be on the look out for my new Kensuke/Daiken fic "Sweet Dreams" coming out (maybe, if I don't suck at writing) this month.  ^_^  That is, when I get cursed images out of my head.  Read my journal to find out what I'm talking about.  ^_^;;;  eh heh

BOF


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